I Met Him Through My Friend Craig

Seriously, why is internet dating so popular in NYC, to the extent that Jdate has a billboard in Times Square? Has romance really been distilled into describing ourselves in 200 words or less (with a few obligatory emoticons), uploading a few photos of ourselves, plus the "foreign country" shot to show off our worldliness, and a shot with children to show prospective mates how well-honed our maternal instincts are?

That's not all that's stickin' up

And what of our potential quarry? We find it laughable that grown men would pick usernames like "Frankie_Italia", "chootiecute", and "SteezieMcKneezie". We swoon over the "models turned financiers" and then ridicule them when they reply, "Sorry, the responses I got were so overwhelming that I am no longer meeting people at this time." We scoff at men who spell it "definately", or claim to be family-orientated. We guiltily ignore the man who is "crippled but cute". We sit through first dates, sucking down G&T after G&T, praying that our date will turn as cute as he was in his photograph. We cringe at the 49-year-old man who is only interested in meeting women ages 21-28.

How you doin'?

So why do we allow those Jdate and Match.com membership fees to accrue on our credit card bills month after month?

I'm M for W, honey, really

Because, darlin', you're not going to meet the love of your life in the Meatpacking District. This is New York, bitch. The only happy endings here are in Chinatown.

Still, you haven't reached the bottom of the online dating totem pole until you've had a tussle with Craig. Ahhh, the Craigslist personals. Where millions of people can be lonely together. In the name of love, enjoy this vignette of the hopeless glory that is Craigslist.

Example of a "WFM" ad: "Hi everyone. I am a single 29 year old female from [x]. I like movies, all kinds of music, dancing, reading, cooking, the beach, and basically just hanging out spending time with family and friends. I'm not into the bar/club scene anymore... I'm looking for a single guy from [x], please be between the ages of 25 and 35. Looking for someone interesting, good looking, smart, funny, and just very down to earth and honest."

Example of a "MFW" ad: "Lets cut through all the stuff and get down to bare basics. You are reading this for quick sex. You are not meeting prince charming on CL. Nor are you meeting someone rich, you goldigger. You are here for sex, sex only and without regard for sentimentality."

Titles to other MFW posts include "Besides the Beer Belly, I Clean Up Nicely", "Generous Businessman seeks super-busty young lady", "established SADIST seeks submissive masochist", and "Married Male seeks discreet, loving relationship". By way of contrast, examples of WFM titles are "I truly am a good girl!", "Seeking the perfect blend of artsy and fartsy", "Looking for one good Jew", "Professional, Southern Sorority Girl looking for the right match", and "I LOVE ELECTRICIANS!"

Off to a nunnery I go.

SNAKES ON A PLANE, what's in a name?

This summer, one movie will be released, which history will show to be one of the most influential films of the 21st century. It's got the goods to make moviegoing magical again. It's got the emotional force to make you want to dress up to go to the theater again. It's got snakes. It's got a plane. It's got Samuel L. Jackson, that delicious, purple-lightsabered bad ass motherfucker with bigger 'nads than that brass bull on Wall Street. It's SNAKES ON A PLANE, bitch, SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE! That title is enough to just cancel the Oscars and award the little gold statue to the folks at New Line, right now, before it even hits theaters.

Why? It's just so fun to say. "Snakes on a plane". It's a nice, assonant title. It's got that alliteration thing going, sort of like "points in the paint", and it's catchy, like "junk in the trunk". But would a film by any other name still generate the sweet smell of cash money? Negative, ghost rider. "Pacific Flight 121" sounds like it's trying too hard to be something it's not, namely an action movie that people will take seriously as an action movie. "Pacific Flight 121" is the kid in school who dressed like the popular kids did, used their slang, and lurked in their hallway in hopes of one day being able to pass off as one of them to the unknowing underclassmen. "Snakes on a Plane" is the ugly jackass who embraces his status and eventually ends up delivering the graduation speech, while sleeping with more than a few cheerleaders along the way. Internet cult followings will never organically grow around "Pacific Flight 121" . Songs aren't written about "Pacific Flight 121". "Pacific Flight 121" will never turn into a catch-phrase. And who would buy a "Pacific Flight 121" t-shirt?

Unfortunately, the greatness that will be Snakes on a Plane will have to remain confined to our collective imaginations, until it is released on August 18.

March Sadness

Seriously, is this the worst Final Four ever? Let's take a look:

First, there's Florida. The state looks like a flaccid penis. It's where old people go to die. And then there's Disneyland. Freakin' Disneyland. I'd rather take my kids to that creationist theme park somewhere in the Redneck Riviera (where April Fool's Day is Darwin Day, I kid you not...) than to Disneyland.

Now, LSU. You can't spell "slut" without LSU. And their fans are still bitching about having to split the national championship with USC in 2003. Sure, Katrina was a mighty bitch to the Crescent City, but I rooted against the Yankees with vim and vigor in the 2001 World Series despite the 9/11 tragedy, so I feel no qualms about rooting against the Tigers here.

UCLA? U-C-L-A? How about U-G-L-Y. Their colors are powder blue and yellow. Might as well include all the colors of the rainbow with that one, if you know what I mean.

Which leaves us with...

George Mason. They beat my Huskies but they're still the most acceptable alternative. Yes, they're in Washington, D.C., a city that's gone downhill ever since the beloved Champs was turned into some funky-house trendbox full of eurotrash and weak, fluorescent martinis. But at least Third Edition is still around, serving up good ol' "Pour Some Sugar On Me", "You Shook Me All Night Long", and "Don't Stop Believing" kind of fun for the khaki-and-polo set. And, they're the underdog. It's just un-American not to root for the underdog.

Plain Jane Jones's Guide to Manhattan, The Universe, and Everything

You're probably noticing two things about my title: (1) that it's completely ripping off Douglas Adams; and (2) it's a hopeless redundancy, because Manhattan is the universe -- and everything -- to most of its residents. I'll explain in 123 (nonoriginal, ripped-off) reasons why:

1. Because we scorn the fat.

Not in NYC. Jersey, perhaps...

2. Because we can drink until 4 AM.
3. Because we have our drugs delivered to our doors.
4. Because all we have to do is walk down the street in order to be propositioned for sex.
5. Because we get to push tourists if we're late for work.
6. Because we only pretend to recycle.
7. Because Tompkins Square park is still friendly to junkies.
8. Because whether you make $50k or $200k, you're still "middle class."
9. Because "fuck" is intrinsic to our local dialect.
10. Because there's a Starbucks on every block.
11. Because you can get anything from cocaine to a date on Craigslist.
12. Because online dating is socially acceptable.
13. Because our restaurants are so cramped, we can hear if our neighbor is being an asshole.
14. Because you can live in the same place for 10 years and never have to see or meet your neighbors.
15. Because a pink paper like the New York Observer can survive.
16. Because assistants.
17. Because the Gay Pride 5-Mile Road Race.

Were the popsicles really necessary?

18. Because we can make someone like Blackface Jesus into a celebrity.
19. Because sometimes it smells like maple syrup.
20. Because there's always a secret room behind the VIP room.
21. Because we can get fake TiVo for $9.95/mo.
22. Because our tabloids are considered newspapers.
23. Because the occasional transit strike keeps us from really working.
24. Because some dogs are dressed better than you are.

Fresh from Barney's Co-Op

25. Because you can go to the East Village Baths and not get raped.
26. Because there's no pick-up place like the Great Lawn in the summertime.
27. Because Brooklyn is for domesticating.
28. Because i-bankers and hipsters can peacefully coexist.
29. Because there's always a free drink available somewhere.
30. Because we know Sex and the City is a crock of shit.
31. Because we know Friends is a crock of shit.
32. Because it only takes $30 million to launch and burn a magazine.
33. Because we think Vitamin Water is a real beverage.
34. Because we never have to shovel snow.
35. Because the New York Marathon.
36. Because a "road trip" just means Ikea.
37. Because even Lenny Kravitz's toilet gets clogged.
38. Because smoking is banned.
39. Because our only decent mall has a 5-star restaurant "food court".
40. Because people read.
41. Because the Park Avenue Country Club really isn't a country club.
42. Because the Wall Street bull's balls.
43. Because we eat McDonald's ironically.
44. Because ANYONE can lie to Page Six.
45. Because Jews.
52. Because only black is the new black.
53. Because it's acceptable to Shoot the Freak.
54. Because our pigeons have rabies.
55. Because Conde Nasties don't threaten our food supply.
56. Because anyone can get into Soho House and see that it's nothing.
57. Because everyone's got a blog.
58. Because Paris Hilton moved to Los Angeles.
59. Because Bloomberg has that adorable bald spot.
60. Because it's easy to stalk famous people.
61. Because everyone you know has slept with one another.
62. Because Woody Allen is allowed.
63. Because Fresh Direct has every single product's nutritional info on its website.
64. Because of that multi-breasted, multi-buttocked statue in Soho.

This defies commentary

65. Because we have a looser definition of substance abuse.
66. Because everyone has a cat or a book deal.
67. Because you only need a Village Voice to get a chick with a dick.
68. Because anybody can be a DJ.
69. Because even if you can only play "Wish You Were Here" on the guitar, you can make a few bucks at a subway station.
70. Because Robin Byrd.
71. Because pieces of orange fabric in the park pass for high culture.
72. Because sometimes it's just fun to give tourists wrong directions.
73. Because you can buy live turtles from a wooden box in Chinatown.
74. Because your parents love to come visit and pay for dinner.
75. Because your parents don't love to come visit.
76. Because you can walk down the street, fart and blame it on New York.
77. Because if you want a cat, you can walk into any deli and just steal one.
78. Because you can do your morning walk of shame undetected.
79. Because Brother Jimmy's.
80. Because fifth floor walk-up apartments are great for the glutes.
81. Because nobody uses condoms anymore.
82. Because Soho street vendors.
83. Because you can drop a penny in an empty water jug and make some dude's day.
84. Because everyone looks like shit in the morning, and nobody cares.
85. Because there's such a thing as $300 sushi.
86. Because you can be a gay man and reasonably keep both a wife and a boyfriend.
87. Because bagels.
88. Because there's just enough Brits around to keep us speaking proper English (and to keep Plain Jane's love life alive).
89. Because we worship high fashion in collapsible tents.
90. Because vegetarians keep to themselves.
91. Because our knock-offs are often better than the real thing.
92. Because people get married in Times Square.
93. Because the New York Press is still trying.
94. Because your cab driver is probably more interesting than you are.
95. Because street cart barbecue.
96. Because it's perfectly fine to answer your phone mid-sentence.
97. Because H&M: Our Gap is Eurotrash on purpose.
98. Because we don't stand in line, we stand on it.
99. Because we tolerate the New York Sun.
100. Because gift bags.
101. Because you can ride the Staten Island ferry all day at only the cost of your stomach.
102. Because "summer" really does make sense as a verb.
103. Because we know what "new bar smell" is, but not "new car smell".
104. Because 666-6666 has nothing to do with Satan.
105. Because even your intern has an intern.
106. Because only old people have land lines.
107. Because parts of Central Park still smell like a poopy country farmyard.
108. Because you can make a career out of being Amanda Lepore.
109. Because everyone drinks at brunch.
110. Because our tap water won't kill you.
111. Because it's easy to steal wifi.
112. Because as much as you hate it, Rockefeller Center is still kind of neat.
113. Because city kids have been there and done that before you even got here.
114. Because everyone's painfully human, even the staff of the New York Times.
115. Because used clothes cost more than new ones.
116. Because we wear our work-related sleep deprivation as a badge of honor.
117. Because in one morning, you can look like a jackass in the background of four different morning shows.
118. Because it's perfectly acceptable to give the finger to anyone at any time.
119. Because the smell is concentrated in Chinatown.
120. Because doing your own laundry is for rich suckers.
121. Because you can buy Vagisil at the bodega at 4 AM.
122. Because ten-dollar manicures .
123. Because we keep Jersey at arm's length.