Biological Weapons of Mass Destruction Found In NYC

NEW YORK CITY, 12/19/06---DEFENSE DEPARTMENT OFFICIALS confirmed today that biological weapons potentially capable of mass destruction have been located in New York City. Several Category A and B biological agents with a high potential for a negative public health impact have been located in the Midtown neighborhood in New York City. During a routine gynecological exam of the beleagured Miss USA, Tara Conner, doctors found several potentially deadly human biological pathogens. Dr. Pradeep Gupta noted, "We were simply conducting a routine checkup before committing the patient to her rehabilitation center, when the tests all confirmed that the flora and fauna of her vagina contain potentially uncontrollable viruses, bacteria and other germs. As a result, we are unfortunately forced to confine the patient to solitary quarters in her rehabilitation center to guard against a potential pandemic."

Owners of nightclubs on 10th Street, as well as Ms. Conner's former roommate Miss Teen USA Katie Blair, with whom Ms. Conner has allegedly performed sexual activity with, have been asked to submit to physical checkups to determine if they have been victims of "unintentional bioterrorism" by the Miss USA crownholder. We can only pray for their continued good health and safety, and ask them to refrain from contact with other members of the New York community until they have been declared clear of all biological toxins.

Despite the high levels of contagion and toxicity that such biologicals may pose to the city, the New York attorney-general's office has decided not to press charges of treason against Ms. Conner for bringing this acute security threat to the denizens of New York City, since her spread of the biological toxins throughout the city seems to be unintentional, and unrelated to any desire to inflict biological warfare upon the citizens of the five boroughs. Donald Trump, the co-owner of the Miss USA pageant and the Miss Universe Organization, has expressed his deepest gratitude that Ms. Conner will not be prosecuted for her actions against the citizens of this city and state, and will instead be given a chance to rehabilitate herself. "I have always been a believer in second chances", he stated, in a teary press conference with the disgraced beauty queen.

The problem with Bond

I was a weird child. While most young girls fantasized about being princesses, I imagined myself a Bond Girl. Beautiful, intelligent, lethal, and every part the feminine equal of 007 himself. Bond Girls, to me, were always the perfect confluence of feminism and femininity.

Until I watched Casino Royale.

Something about the character of Vesper Lynd bugged the crap out of me and I couldn't put my finger on it. She had exotic, unique looks, was an accountant, and saved Bond's ass on numerous occasions. Someone that I, if I had seen the movie 2 or 3 years ago, would identify with and root for. But not anymore.

And then it hit me. The actress who plays Vesper is 25. Daniel Craig is 37. They would never have cast a mid-30s actress to play opposite to Bond, especially if Bond's character apparently falls in love with said character.

Thus reinforcing my fears that the older we get, the more precipitously our stock drops. Yep, I've reached that age where I've begun to get "age-conscious". When I was 21, I would have "fat days" where I would stare at myself in the mirror and pout because my body looked softer than I hoped it would. Now, at 26, I have "old days", where I can feel the age showing in my face and slowly and irreversibly deteriorating it.

Thus, what Casino Royale emphasized for me was that as an older woman, I will no longer be seen as desirable by men, and if given a choice, a man will always "go younger". And, while running marathons and eating properly may help me maintain an attractive weight, there's no recipe for maintaining age. The effects of gravity and time are inevitable.

Anyone who has ever seen The Bachelor should know this. An attractive, mid-30s Bachelor who has attained a degree of career success and financial stability has a stable of 25 beauties to choose from, and he often eliminates the oldest and the ones with the most prestigious professions until he is left with 2 or 3 women who are 10 years younger than him, in non-threatening professions.

Internet dating sites are likewise telling. It's not uncommon for a 30-year-old man to be searching for women aged 18-28, i.e. willing to date a teenager barely out of high school, but not willing to date a fellow 30something who might (*gasp*) have actually more in common with him personally and professionally.

Fortunately, it seems like younger men (i.e. men in their early to late 20s) are more tolerant of the idea of dating a woman their age or a few years older. It's not unheard of for a 26-year-old man to be seeking for women 22-30, or even a 29-year-old seeking women 25-35; however there are plenty 27-year-olds seeking women 19-25, and most men 25 and younger claim not to be interested in dating a woman their age or older.

The most cynical of men I've run into (Hamptons housemates with day jobs as traders at Morgan Stanley) held the fervent belief that at least one of their future wives has not even been born yet, but I suspect (or hope) that they're an insignificant minority.

So, what's a single girl in her mid-2os to mid-30s do if she doesn't want to "go older"? At what age should a girl begin to "settle" if she still harbors dreams of marriage?

USC Cheerleader Celebrates UCLA Extra Point

Dumbass.

Things That Should Never Have To Be Endured While Sober

1) Weddings. An acquaintance of mine wanted to save money on her wedding reception by making the wedding "dry". No cash bar. No BYOB. Just dry. She flippantly quipped, "looks like my guests are just going to learn how to have sober fun!" If you want to save money at your wedding, have a DJ instead of a band. Have a buffet instead of a sit-down meal. Shit, serve McDonalds. Just don't skimp on the booze. It's a wedding, for Christ's sake. Most people can barely get through wedding ceremonies without sneaking a few gulps of Cutty Sark from under their tuxes, especially if they're the grooms, and know their bride-to-be will be walking down the aisle without having signed a pre-nup.

2) Airplane rides. Duh.

3) Clothes Shopping. Especially for yourself. There's an exception if you are shopping for a specific item, such as a formal gown or a pair of grey dress pumps or chandelier earrings. But shopping, as a recreational activity, is ghastly boring when sober. Meandering through Barney's looking at all the clothes you can't afford isn't fun. What you do is have a few glasses of Reisling before you enter, and, like magic, the pricetags won't bother you as much!

4) Family Gatherings. Duh.

5) Pregnancy. The idea of abstaining from alcohol and sushi for 9 months while watching my body get increasingly floppier and cheat-on-me-worthy seems like a horrid ordeal, especially since my diet consists primarily of Hendrick's gin and Ushi Wakamaru's fatty tuna rolls. Fortunately, there's a solution, and it's called surrogacy.

6) Cricket Matches. The rules are almost unintelligible to non-experts. Matches (or "Tests") last for 5 days, often ending in a draw. I can't think of a reason for this sport's existence other than as a cleverly-veiled excuse to drink for 48 hours straight. Come to think of it, seeing as how it gives ome a reason to drink for 48 hours straight, why isn't it more popular?

7) Watching Colt McCoy Throw The Ball. Losing to K-State and A&M and sending Texas to the Alamo bowl must be hard to stomach after Winning It All last year.

8) Watching John David Booty Throw The Ball. If Carroll had the good sense to put Mark Sanchez in the game, my Trojans would be going to a respectable bowl this year. At least I brought some honor and glory back to USC when I started hooking up with this UCLA sorority-type's boyfriend after the game. He was drunk, and I was desirous of doing something hurtful to a Bruin that wouldn't result in jail time (since we're USC and not Miami, our chosen unsportsmanlike conduct is more subtle than fisticuffs). She stepped into the bathroom to care for an intoxicated friend and when she returned an hour later -- blonde hair, french manicure, Tiffany's necklace and all -- the boyfriend had his arm around my waist and his tongue down my throat. Yes, there's back story there, but it's still one of the greater achievements of my life.

9) Church. Nothing like a bit of the communion wine to bring one closer to God. No, wait, that's mescaline. Oh, well, same result.

10) Certain dates. I took the Relationship Guy to sushi on Thursday. When the edamame came, he started eating it, soybean pods and all, and ordered the New York Strip (note that he also ordered steak at a tapas place, a Moroccan place, and a brunch place prior to this date). I could comprehend such provinciality if he lived his whole life in a realm of the universe where beef is king and people don't eat much sushi or vegetables, such as, like, Iowa. But he's from Westchester, went to a tony private university, works at a large investment bank downtown, and has lived in New York since the Post-Cold War Era (read: pre-9/11). At least he ordered the Kirin and passed on the Bud Light.