March Sadness

Seriously, is this the worst Final Four ever? Let's take a look:

First, there's Florida. The state looks like a flaccid penis. It's where old people go to die. And then there's Disneyland. Freakin' Disneyland. I'd rather take my kids to that creationist theme park somewhere in the Redneck Riviera (where April Fool's Day is Darwin Day, I kid you not...) than to Disneyland.

Now, LSU. You can't spell "slut" without LSU. And their fans are still bitching about having to split the national championship with USC in 2003. Sure, Katrina was a mighty bitch to the Crescent City, but I rooted against the Yankees with vim and vigor in the 2001 World Series despite the 9/11 tragedy, so I feel no qualms about rooting against the Tigers here.

UCLA? U-C-L-A? How about U-G-L-Y. Their colors are powder blue and yellow. Might as well include all the colors of the rainbow with that one, if you know what I mean.

Which leaves us with...

George Mason. They beat my Huskies but they're still the most acceptable alternative. Yes, they're in Washington, D.C., a city that's gone downhill ever since the beloved Champs was turned into some funky-house trendbox full of eurotrash and weak, fluorescent martinis. But at least Third Edition is still around, serving up good ol' "Pour Some Sugar On Me", "You Shook Me All Night Long", and "Don't Stop Believing" kind of fun for the khaki-and-polo set. And, they're the underdog. It's just un-American not to root for the underdog.