I Met Him Through My Friend Craig

Seriously, why is internet dating so popular in NYC, to the extent that Jdate has a billboard in Times Square? Has romance really been distilled into describing ourselves in 200 words or less (with a few obligatory emoticons), uploading a few photos of ourselves, plus the "foreign country" shot to show off our worldliness, and a shot with children to show prospective mates how well-honed our maternal instincts are?

That's not all that's stickin' up

And what of our potential quarry? We find it laughable that grown men would pick usernames like "Frankie_Italia", "chootiecute", and "SteezieMcKneezie". We swoon over the "models turned financiers" and then ridicule them when they reply, "Sorry, the responses I got were so overwhelming that I am no longer meeting people at this time." We scoff at men who spell it "definately", or claim to be family-orientated. We guiltily ignore the man who is "crippled but cute". We sit through first dates, sucking down G&T after G&T, praying that our date will turn as cute as he was in his photograph. We cringe at the 49-year-old man who is only interested in meeting women ages 21-28.

How you doin'?

So why do we allow those Jdate and Match.com membership fees to accrue on our credit card bills month after month?

I'm M for W, honey, really

Because, darlin', you're not going to meet the love of your life in the Meatpacking District. This is New York, bitch. The only happy endings here are in Chinatown.

Still, you haven't reached the bottom of the online dating totem pole until you've had a tussle with Craig. Ahhh, the Craigslist personals. Where millions of people can be lonely together. In the name of love, enjoy this vignette of the hopeless glory that is Craigslist.

Example of a "WFM" ad: "Hi everyone. I am a single 29 year old female from [x]. I like movies, all kinds of music, dancing, reading, cooking, the beach, and basically just hanging out spending time with family and friends. I'm not into the bar/club scene anymore... I'm looking for a single guy from [x], please be between the ages of 25 and 35. Looking for someone interesting, good looking, smart, funny, and just very down to earth and honest."

Example of a "MFW" ad: "Lets cut through all the stuff and get down to bare basics. You are reading this for quick sex. You are not meeting prince charming on CL. Nor are you meeting someone rich, you goldigger. You are here for sex, sex only and without regard for sentimentality."

Titles to other MFW posts include "Besides the Beer Belly, I Clean Up Nicely", "Generous Businessman seeks super-busty young lady", "established SADIST seeks submissive masochist", and "Married Male seeks discreet, loving relationship". By way of contrast, examples of WFM titles are "I truly am a good girl!", "Seeking the perfect blend of artsy and fartsy", "Looking for one good Jew", "Professional, Southern Sorority Girl looking for the right match", and "I LOVE ELECTRICIANS!"

Off to a nunnery I go.