When In Rome, Do the Romans

The season premiere of The Bachelor was on last night. Despite the fact that this show manages to set back the womens' movement and the Civil Rights movement back, say, 20 years, it's still quite the comedy to see a gaggle of aspiring trophy wives humiliate themselves on national T.V. to gain the affection of some mensch who seems nice enough, except for the fact that goes on ABC to find love (and not, for example, to promote his winery or cosmetics line).

Our Prince Charming is, in the words of ABC, "actually a prince". His name is Lorenzo Borghese, a "cosmetics entrepreneur" who has a rather distinguished Italian lineage but, through living in America, speaks as much of the language as your average busboy at the Olive Garden.

His harem, as expected, resembles an SMU sorority composite: A bevy of blondes with Ethiopian-esque figures, the token black chick, and a few Jackie-O type brunettes in basic black. Nearly all were in their early to mid 20s, which I found a bit odd since our Prince is of the distinguished age of 34 (only one woman among the bunch was 34, and she promptly got the boot). Makes me wonder what he's looking for, but since bad relationships make for good television, who really cares.

There were a few standouts.

Erika: A 23-year old "socialite" from Houston known for flippant remarks ("I flew coach for the first time to meet you!"). She emerged from The Limo wearing a tiara (who's she trying to be? A chunky Paris Hilton?) and a ghastly dress in Barney purple. Apparently she's the daughter of a Houston plastic surgeon, which explains the boobs but not the wardrobe. She'll stick around until the Top 6 for the comedy, or get booted in the second round for an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction inspired by too much prosecco. I would hate her except for the fact that she's so over the top, in which case I pity her and am silently rooting for her.

Lisa: Beware the curse of the First Impression Rose, dear treehugger. A spunky brunette from Portland (Oregon) won over our Prince (and got a little something to keep her ears warm) by asking him to...hug a tree. Now that's chutzpah. Pot-smoking hippies now have a new pick-up line. She will make it to the Final 4, but gets the axe when some juicy factoid from her past becomes revealed.

Sarah: The token black chick from Canada who is one of the only women over 30 to receive a rose last night. She far outclasses the rest of the children on the show, which means either Lorenzo genuinely likes her or she's the victim of producer-induced affirmative action. If it's the former, she's the winner. If it's the latter, she gets the axe in Round 2, Lorenzo's excuse being that he didn't get to know her as well as he wanted to. My favorite of the bunch; I hope she goes all the way (not sexually, of course).

Sadie: Typical U.S.C. sorority blonde (I can say this because I am a U.S.C. alumna and had to deal with many of her ilk) in need of a kick in the teeth and a slap in the face. Classier than Erika but much prissier and bitchier (behind your back, of course), and utterly bland. She's the type who wouldn't disclose that she's never flown coach before this night, but I wouldn't be surprised if that were true and she were silently fuming about it for the entire plane ride. She will be the house "backbiter". She's in the final 2. I'm not a fan, although if I found out she, say, reads Orson Scott Card or plays the oboe she'd redeem herself in my eyes by gaining originality points, which U.S.C. sorority blondes had painfully little of. Loved the dress, though. She apparently discloses her virginity in a subsequent episode, which means she takes it up the ass.

The Drunk Oldie: I forget her name, but she was 34 and held her liquor like a Pi Phi pledge at the SAE Fall Invite.

Desiree: Ten bucks says she wasn't wearing underpanties. She makes the final 4, final 3 if she puts out before then.

The Opera Singer: She should have gotten a rose for the effort, although she wasn't the prettiest horse in the race. If she sang the Un Bel Di aria she might have gotten better results. I was rooting for her, although I suspect she went on the show to pull a stunt like that and score a recording contract.

The Dolphin Trainer: Best dress out of the entire evening. Anyone sporting the green gets my vote. Pity she didn't get a rose.


The One Who Sold Her Car To Get On The Show: The shoulder tattoo did her in, as well as the Chicago accent. I liked her, but our Prince probably thought she was a bit too blue-collar (not to be confused with trash, which she was definitely not) for his taste. She's too good for him, anyway. She actually speaks Italian.

The Italian Bird: I wouldn't be surprised if she's a "plant" and really his cousin or a former girlfriend, although that gimmick's been done before. She'll last until the 3rd round until she's either revealed as a spy or the language barrier catches up to her. She has to be one of the most attractive females I've ever seen in my entire life. I sort of look like her, too, but that is neither here nor there.


Final Thoughts:

-Why don't they have a Jewish bachelor? JAPs fighting, hilarity ensues.
-Why don't they have an English bachelor? Maybe because most of the English have enough good taste to avoid engaging in such unabashed self-promotion.