The U.S. Open

Federer Versus All That Is Good In The World.

While watching the U.S. Open with my friend Bryan in Little Italy, it occured to me that I really don't like Federer. It isn't that he's the most dominant figure in his sport, and the prohibitive favorite in pretty much every match he plays. He just comes across as a smarmy asshole with a shit-eating grin that says, "I know I can win this match, Blake, but I just like making you sweat like a pedophile at the early learning center, and then I'll deep-six you." He looks like Joachin Phoenix (think Gladiator, not Walk the Line) and he plays like, well, Iceman (without the homoerotica). What a villain. Someone needs to put this cocky little prick in his place.

At least Roddick and Blake took him to 4 sets so it wasn't a complete embarrassment for The Rest Of The World. He's not MJ. MJ had personality, and he was, well, black. He's not Tiger Woods. Tiger has sprung back to the top of his game after pulling the Mickelson Choke in so many tournaments that many wondered whether he would ever win another major again. Plus, he's got a compelling back story (aren't all back stories "compelling") of a parent recently lost to cancer. And, he's black. Or cablinasian. Who knows. Whatever he is, he's ending up in a tree if he gets pulled over in Vidor, TX.

But his girlfriend - that bitch is worse. Sitting through her boyfriend's championship match, her attentiveness resembled that of a Tri-Delta pledge in the middle of, well, class. Mild boredom, occasional amusement, and a general "let this be over so I can nag you about how Roddick took you to 4 sets" sour puss face. She definitely wears the pants in that relationship and I'd bet she's the kind that withholds sex for punishment.