The Big Three-Oh!

It's the day we all dread. Our 30th birthday. 21 was glorious relief. Then, with each passing birthday until, say, 26, I felt myself growing a bit more "professional street cred" with my increased age. Now, I look and see 30 on the horizon. While I don't believe the stats that a single woman over 30 has a greater chance of dying in a terrorist attack than she does of marrying, turning 30, for men and women, means that certain things are no longer acceptable, at least by societal standards. A person of 30 is considered an adult to be taken seriously, and thus must conduct his or her behavior in a matter befitting to 30somethings, an age demographic which includes M.Ds of investment banks, doctors, CEOs, mothers, and preists. 20somethings, in contrast, include college students, most celebutantes, and Wayne Rooney.

Below find a list of 30 things that no one under 30 can, or should do:

1. Listen to any of: Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, or any other "artist" who was formerly a mouseketeer. With your age should come a certain degree of musical taste. You also shouldn't be listening to James Blunt, either, but no one, regardless of their age, should be listening to James Blunt.

2. Make mix CDs for your friends. Everyone has an I-Trip for their I-pod and no one plays CDs anymore, even in the car. Just because you're getting old doesn't mean you should be technologically behind the times.

3. Consume the following cocktails: Long Island Iced Tea, Blowjob, Adios Mother Fucker, Jello shots, or anything out of a fishbowl.

4. Consume beer by means of a funnel or "keg stand".

5. Get a free pass when you, say, refer to Benjamin Franklin as a U.S. president, or make similar historical gaffes. With age should come a certain degree of knowledge about the world.

6. Live with your parents. After the age of 30, not even Italians can get away with this. Cut the cord.

7. Buy clothes at Abercrombie & Fitch. Because we all know you're just going in there to ogle all the underaged girls behind the checkout counter, and no one wants to be the pervy 30-year old ogling the hot checkout girls at A&F.

8. Take "Top Gun" seriously. Just as kids should stop believing in Santa Claus at around age 6, at age 30, people should stop believing that this movie epitomizes the heterosexual alpha male, and take the film for what it really is - soft gay porn set to a Kenny Loggins soundtrack.

9. Own framed reproductions of "Dogs Playing Cards", "Boulevard of Broken Dreams", the Singing Largemouth Bass, or any "artwork" commonly found in university dormitories. Unless, of course, it's for the irony.

10. Play video games, unless it's 8-bit Nintendo to "reconnect with your youth".

11. Fail to possess a valid passport. You are 30. Chances are you have a decent-paying job with decent vacation time; or should have one by now. No one should live a third of a century on this earth without having traveled outside their home country. Did you know that a flight to Reykjavik, Iceland from JFK is the same length as a flight to Phoenix, AZ?

12. Fail to vote in presidential elections because you're too lazy to get to the voting booth. Especially in swing states. Nothing's on TV except for election coverage, anyhow, so you can't blame Everyone Loves Raymond.

13. Have a diet that consists of foods mainly seen on kids' menus. I knew a man like this. He was almost 30, only drank Coors Light, and only ate hamburgers, hot dogs, fried chicken, chili, fries, onion rings etc.... We tried to give him a Sam Adams Winter Lager once, didn't work. Don't be this guy. Sure, it's fine to enjoy a mean, juicy Whopper, but balance that out with some ethnic food every once in a while (even American ethnic dishes count, such as crawfish etoufee) so people don't think you're a complete cretin.

14. Attend the Kentucky Derby, but watch from the infield. Do I even need to explain why?

15. Use the N-word as a term of endearment for your friends, unless you happen to be black.

16. Refer to your penis by any "name" you gave it while in your teens or twenties.

17. Obsess over love interests who have not called you. This is especially true for girls. You don't want to turn into a "Sex and the City" character.

18. Buy knockoffs. If you don't have the money to buy the real thing, buy from a less expensive designer. If your friends are among the subset of the population who actually care about designer labels, they can also distinguish between real and fake Prada.

19. Date people who are under 21. No, she is not Lindsay Lohan, and no, you are not Colin Farrell. Be glad for that fact, and stick dating those of legal drinking age. For girls, just look to all those schoolteachers arrested for bedding their classmates to serve as a cautionary tale.

20. Watch "Laguna Beach: The Real O.C." I'm only saying this because I'm in my mid-20s and this show already makes me feel old and like my best days were behind me.

21. Dye your hair any color other than that which could pass as a natural human hair color. No one likes an aging hipster.

22. Have a musical ringtone. Hearing "Africa" by Toto every time you get a text message is only acceptable if you're 16. And a girl. And living in Japan. And you won't pull James Bond-quality ass if you have the Bond Theme ringtone. Get over yourself. And engaged ladies who have Wagner's Bridal Chorus from Lohengrin (i.e. "Here Comes the Bride", in flyover-speak) as their ringtone are the most annoying of all.

23. Have a "voice" or "novelty" ringtone. While downloading ringtones for my phone, I noticed there were 4 different kinds of belches and at least 12 different varieties of farts (including one named "G Minor Chord"). On a more hopeful note for humanity, there was no Top Gun Anthem ringtone (not like I was looking).

24. Listen to Dave Matthews. Last time he produced legitimately good stuff, an adulterer was President, 9-11 was the number we called if we suspected our neighbors' teens of throwing a "kegger", and everyone was a dot-com zillionaire. OK...on second thought, maybe we should listen to more Dave Matthews, if only to Take Us Back To A More Innocent Time.

25. Make a big deal about ceasing to like something once it's gone mainstream. If it goes mainstream, that usually means it's good (although it may not necessarily stay that way). If it doesn't go mainstream, then it probably sucked in the first place. And, as I said before, no one likes an aging hipster.

26. Make fun of the physically or mentally disabled. No one, of any age, should do this, except Trey Parker and Matt Stone who, well, make fun of everyone.

27. Own a bong.

28. Act, talk and dress like a rapper, especially if you are Asian.

29. Wear tighty-whities. Sure, your boys need a house, but if it gets too hot up there, you might not have enough swimmers to propagate your genetics (PSA: Someone tell Kevin Federline to wear more tighty-whities).

30. Use your free time at work blogging.