May 19 Is Shitty Movie Day

Thank you for ruining Star Wars, you skank.

Why is it that the movie gods choose this day to crap out the stinkiest cinematic turds? For example, two of the three new Star Wars movies were released on a May 19, which is enough to solidify this day as International Shitty Movie Day until the second coming of Jesus.

So, let's see what foulness Hollywood is shitting, err, birthing out on this Day?

"Over the Hedge": Some DreamWorks animated crap that's bound to make your kids stupider, as if living in most parts of America wasn't doing a good enough job of that already. Bruce Willis, who hasn't turned a good trick since "Die Hard 2", is headlining this sludge of ass gravy. But the real tragedy about this movie is William Shatner. You're Captain fuckin' Kirk, man! You did Joan Collins in 1932! You continue to add your good name to cinematic fecal matter like this, and a pox on you.

"The DaVinci Code": Two ginormous billboards defile Columbus Circle and Times Square urge us to "be a part of the phenomenon". No, thank you. It's not that I didn't enjoy the book. I gobbled that literary Big Mac right up, gimmicky plot twists and all. I didn't even bitch about the so-called inaccuracies. To me, the biggest "inaccuracy" in the book was the idea that a 30something native Parissenne would be appalled at the idea of a sex rite. Mr. Brown: she's from Paris, France, not Paris, Texas.

I guess what amuses me so much about "the phenomenon" is the fallout. Apparently, everyone from the God Squad to albinos (yes, albinos!) are getting a bee in their bonnet about this. Take Rev. Bob Carr, of St. Benedict Parish in Somerville, Mass., who decries the novel as a "bunch of crap" that "reflects an ignorance of everything that people have known about who Jesus is for the past 2,000 years." Sorry, Bob-a-rino, this is a work of AIRPLANE FICTION. It's a dumbed-down version of Foucault's Pendulum. It's probably rife with historical and artistic inaccuracies aside from the whole Were-Jesus-And-Magdalene-Doing-It debate, but when you're on your fifth G&T and only 1/3 of the way between JFK and LHR, you really don't care. Strangely, the fans of this book are stupider than its critics. One Amazon reviewer gushed: "The Da Vinci Code is so much more than a gripping suspense thriller. Dan Brown takes us beyond the main plot and leads us on a quest for the Holy Grail - a Grail totally unlike anything we have been taught to believe." Another raved: "This book is one of the best novels I've read in recent years. It's engrossing and highly entertaining. It's the proverbial page-turner guaranteed to keep you up late at night because you just can't put it down. The characters are well drawn. The plot twists come so often and so fast my brain got whiplash reading the book (NO, NOT REALLY!)." Umm, no. An Indiana Jones knockoff, a beautiful green-eyed, red-haired woman who wears glasses to display her intelligence, and a British villian...now, that's creative.

By the way, May 19 also happens to be my birthday.