What Not to Wear

Put down the AmEx. Step away from the $300 designer jeans. Do not even entertain the thought of purchasing that poncho "Just Because Sienna Miller Wore One In InStyle." MEN DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU WEAR! Repeat after me: MEN DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU WEAR. To most men, Tocca is the name of a toy truck manufacturer, Jimmy Choo is a Nobel-prize winning geneticist, Thomas Pink is a character from Reservoir Dogs, and Asprey is a bird of prey. They think the Burberry plaid is for rappers, that Pucci prints are loud and ugly, and that Lilly Pulitzer's happy dancing animals are the brainchild of bad acid.

$1,490.00. That's a hell of a lot of Coors Lights, boys.

So, why do we devotedly flock to SoHo and Bloomingdale's like the average fly-over stater attends church? It sure can't be to up our frequent-flyer mile tally. It's because we just can't get it through our thick heads that no matter how fashionable we think we need to look to get mens' attention, we're forgetting that Inalienable Life Truth: MEN WANT SEX. They don't care if it comes in a Bergdorf's or a K-mart bag. As long as you're wearing something that accentuates those ol' mammalry glands, your money's no good at any bar.

America's Next D-Lister, Ms. Pickler, prom-ready

Why not just wear tube tops and black sex pants (i.e. the standard uniform of issue for boozy sorority girls nationwide)? Because we'd rather look like Grace Kelly than Kellie Pickler. Let's see: do more men fantasize about marrying Paris Hilton or anally penetrating her? There you go. Do you really think that if you kiss that guido who's been staring at your cleavage all night that he'll transform magically into Prince William and Harry's Long Lost Third Brother? I thought not.

Thus comes the Inevitable Question: what do we wear?

Beats the hell out of me, ladies. I'd normally advise you to stick to classic lines like Ann Taylor or BCBG, and throw a little Betsey Johnson in for some flair. But, then again, the only man who wished me a happy Valentines' day that I still speak to lives in Brunei , so I'm not exactly the authority on attracting the opposite sex these days. Best stick to InStyle for the fashion tips.