What It Means to be a U.S. Citizen

Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." —George W. Bush, Tucson, Ariz., Nov. 28, 2005

What's that snarling City Hall traffic? Mass amounts of illegals protesting the new immigration bill. I can sympathize. New Yorkers need the "underground economy" (as the Post so gently puts it) or else the city would collapse. Hell, I need the "underground economy" to keep my apartment clean. But I'm not here to give a political rant. I'm here to tell you just what it takes to be a U.S. citizen. This link below links to the U.S. citizenship test, or at least something that can pass for it. To be a citizen, one must know certain facts such as "What Country did the U.S. Fight in the Revolutionary War", "Which of the following was not one of the original 13 U.S. states", and "How many times can a Senator be re-elected".

Which makes me wonder ... how many Americans would fail the U.S. Citizenship test? According to a 2002 study, 11% of 18-24 year-old Americans can't even find America on a map! 70% couldn't find New Jersey, but that might not be such a bad thing. Also, about 2/3 of Americans don't know all the words to our own national anthem, and only 5% of Americans have passports.

Anders Henriksson, a history professor at Sheperd University in Sheperdstown, West Virginia, routinely receives essays from college freshmen containing such gems as the following:

"Wars fought in the 1950s and after include the Crimean War, Vietnam, and the Six-Minute War";

"At some point in the distant past, the United States fought a war of independence against a major European or Asian power"; and

"John F. Kennedy worked closely with the Russians to solve the Canadian Missile Crisis."

America doesn't have a problem with illegal immigrants. America has a problem with stupid people. At least the illegal immigrants can be paid below minimum wage, under the table, to do the jobs that Stupid America is too lazy to do.

So, why the hell is America so goddamn stupid? Sure, we can blame Hollywood, television, and popular culture. Take "Pearl Harbor", for example. When the bombings start, one man yells loudly on a telephone, "I think World War 2 has just started!" Moron. What we now know as "World War 2" was NOT referred to "World War Two" back then. That's as stupid as making a movie about the events of September 11, 2001 and having some hapless victim yell, "Help! I think 9/11 is happening!" The news media is also culpable in this regard. News is now as much entertainment as it is information, so much to the extent that Katie Couric, a woman who dressed as Marilyn Monroe and SpongeBob for Halloween, is now following in Walter Cronkite's footsteps as a 6-o-clock news anchor.

Stay classy, America.

But, like Al Bundy used to say, "It's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's the fat that makes you look fat" -- it's not The Media, or Red Staters, or The Sad State Of Public Schools that makes Americans look stupid, it's Americans that make Americans look stupid. Before granting immigrants a visa to this country, we ask them, "Were you in or around the area of Nazi Germany between 1939 and 1945?" Our national pastime's championship is called the "World" series, yet no teams from outside the U.S. are participants. Our other national pastime calls itself "Football", yet other than for field-goal kicking and punting, rarely do the foot and ball make contact while the game is being played. We have a president who thinks Nigeria is a continent (note how that did not prevent me from voting for him twice).

God bless America. God bless us, every one.