I guess The Bachelor is to me what The Patty Winters Show was to Patrick Bateman, so here's my weekly recap.

1) What's up with the Pretty Woman ripoff? If you're going to channel Pygmalion (or any of its various pop-culture incarnations), don't stand there like a chump with your spurned date's jewelry in your hand while she hoists herself into The Black Limo. And Jami should have asked to keep the jewels.

2) Jami (or is it Jamie) looked triumphantly beautiful in her red dress. She may be a farm girl from the sticks, but she lived the mantra "Act like you've been there before, act like you'll be there again." Their lack of chemistry made the Portman/Christiansen pairing in Attack of the Clones look like, well, Roberts and Gere.

3) Ode to Desi (sorry, Walt): "I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable, I sound my barbaric YAWP over the roofs of the world." I love this girl. She's got this zest, this joy, this gleefuly contagious and authentic lust for life. She's my favorite out of the last 6, baby.

4) Jeanette Finally Gets Airtime. She may not be the prettiest hoss in the race (though no man would kick her out of bed for eating crackers) but she has maturity and grace. I have really nothing bad to say about her. I'd have her teach my kids.

5) PSA to Jennifer - Blondes Wear Brown Eyeliner. Your hair (read: straw) needs cutting. And that black eyeliner makes you look like a third-rate country singer with all of the tacky, fake-tanned, big chested, trollopy accouterments, and without the pluck and spunk. Whenever you speak, it sounds like a grotesque cacophony of syllables, botched grammar and Valley-girl talk (read: pidgin English). I would not have you teach my kids.

6) Deathmatch. Did anyone seriously think Erica was going to pull off the upset? Tiara-ca is a loveable loon, but her schtick was getting old and it was time for her to pack her 21 Louis Vuitton suitcases and wedge her butt into a coach seat headed for Houston.

7) "I vant dat rosse!" Anyone excited to see Agnese (or, in Erica-speak, Agnus) start to get into the catfights? Something about a foreign lady getting into the spirit of The Bachelor makes me smile.

My Ideal Top 3: Jeanette, Desiree, Agnese

Probable Top 3: Sadie, Lisa (kept around at producers' request), Jennifer

Probable Last 2: Sadie, Jennifer (battle of the blondes)

Last Biatch Standing: Jennifer. Stupidity has a knack for getting its way (sorry, Albert).