The Hometown Dates

First up is Sadie, the Poor Man's Grace Kelly, the Wonder Bread Virgin. Her droopy nose suggests botched rhinoplasty, and her lisp suggests prepubescence but she still makes a pretty picture, as most San Diegans with USC degrees know how to do. Her family seems pleasant but mention that they'd want her to be with a man who "loves God". Translation - Lorenzo, you'd better start stocking up on the Jergens.

Status: Rose, and she'll make the final 2. However, since the producers are focusing on giving her the Virgin Edit, i.e. focusing on her sexual status more than her budding romance, she'll lose.

Next up is Lisa the Freak. If she were on Coney Island, people would pay to shoot her with paintballs. If there were a Bachelor drinking game, two of the rules would be "Drink every time Lisa brings up her Timeline" and "Drink every time Lisa mentions the cost of those earrings". The girl claims to know how to play the "Bachelor" game, but what part of Don't Go On Reality TV And Look Like A Kook doesn't she understand? I'd bet that she'll have a tougher time meeting men after her 15 minutes are up than Monica Lewinsky did.

Highlight of the date comes when her "friend" who spilled the beans on Lisa's timeline to Our Beloved Non-Prince. Clearly the producers were in in this because Lisa's getting the Freakshow Edit, meaning that she's being typecast as a cliche, namely, the Wedding-Obsessed Freak.

Status: Rose, but will get the ax next week.

Third up is Jen, obviously channeling The Simple Life as she picked her outfit. Jen, the trucker-hat-and-army-print look reached its crowning zenith when Nicole Richie stuck her arm up a cow's anus. But since you seem to get your beauty inspiration from Hilton, Richie, Tara Reid et al, it makes sense.

The highlight of the date came when The Bachelor Intern gave you his fishing pole so you could reel in a baby shark! And then kiss it! No never mind that the thing could have bit your precious face off, the producers are giving you The Winner's Edit to make you look down-to-earth, even if you are a vapid, money-grubbing whore with a substandard vocabulary. If only it were a stingray...

We then find out she is an only child and her dad likes guns. We also find out that she's her dad's "Princess". Did any of these facts surprise anyone?

Status: Rose, and she'll probably win. You know she's getting The Winner's Edit because the producers are going through great pains to make her look good and not turn her into a caricature.

Last comes Agnese. Despite her family's inability to communicate with L-Zo (who didn't even bother to pick up a guidebook learn a few customary Italian phrases), these were the most wholesome and normal folks of the whole bunch. So what if her mother looks like Keith Richards and her sister may be hotter. Agnese conducts herself with much more poise and grace than any of the Final 4 (Sadie would win this award until she opens her mouth and gives her 12-year-old lisp). After some awkward attempts at communication, the family busts out the food and wine (lots of it), and then starts dancing with masks. Quirky, but wholesome - the way family is supposed to be.

Status: No rose. L'zo sheds some crocodile tears as Agnese leaves, while giving her the obligatory "You're beautiful but I have to kick you to the curb and don't really care to see you again" speech. While in the limo, Agnese makes us all realize that she's much more capable of profound thought than any of the remaining 3 contestants. She clearly got the Future Bachelorette Edit, i.e. the edit the producers give to the girl who doesn't win, but probably should have if There Was Any Good In This World.

Don't worry, Agnese. You're not the only girl who naively walked into an adventure and ended up falling for a dashing foreigner, only for him to push you aside in his pursuit of a few vacuous lemon tarts.