Bachelor Musings, and An Apology To the Midwest

I realize I've been too hard on some of my fellow countrymen. So I will try (and inevitably fail in the eyes of some of you, no doubt) to Minimize Bitchiness on this post. Thus, we will start off with 10 things that are great about the Midwest.

1) Geographically, it's the ideal place for a commercial airliner to refuel en route to Asia.

OK, I'll be serious now.

2) Midwest Airlines serves cookies.

3) You can't catch a 50-inch muskie in the Hudson River

4) You don't get Blackberry service in the Northwoods.

Damn, this is harder than I thought...

5) Ohio State vs. Michigan

6) It's the setting of the Great American Novel of the 20th Century, Middlesex.

7) Yoopers (because the upper peninsula is much cooler than the lower peninsula) and pastys.

8) You can own a large house by the lake, a boat, and send your kids to private school on a salary that, in New York, would barely enable one to afford a 700-square foot 1-bedroom in Midtown.

C'mon, almost there, you can do it

9) You don't get overwhelmed by choices like you do in large cities. Chances are there are a handful of good ethnic restaurants, steakhouses, martini bars, and burgers-beer-and-football bars to satisfy whatever mood you're in, but not so much that you're overwhelmed by the task of choosing where to go on any given evening.

10) Audience, you decide. Now that you've established that I'm completely ignorant about everything between Manhattan and San Francisco, educate me by naming all the good things about the Midwest. Please refrain from giving responses like "Ugly c*nts like you don't live here" or "USC Sucks", although for some, those may be valid answers.

Bachelor Recap:

I'll keep this short, got to get to bed.

1) Agnese pulls the upset. Gotta give it to her. I thought he'd pick Jeanette. But those tricksy producers - made it look like our Non-prince would give her the ax with his "No matter what happens, I'll treasure our time together" speech.

2) Lisa gets it right. She's the only one who called out Jen and her poor self-presentation (to put it euphemistically). But according to The Previews, this girl has Wedding Obsession. Thus, she's rapidly changing status from Needing A Kick In The Teeth to Needing A Hug And Some Good Meds, Preferably With Street Value.

3) She Can Be His Wingman...Anytime. Sadie's got balls. And a dash of silicone (those things can't be real). You dropped the V-bomb once, don't bring it up multiple times. The first time, it's honest and refreshing. The second time makes it look like you're trying to Play The Card. The third time makes you look like an inexperienced, awkward twit. I love you, you're beautiful, smart, and you win the Best Dressed Award nearly every week, but quit talking about Certain Personal Things You Haven't Done. But, not to worry. You are still dangerous.

4) Did Jen really not know that the Pope lives at the Vatican? She can't be that thick. Is she really from Miami? I thought that Miami was populated with hot Latin girls and confirmed bachelors (read: flaming homosexuals). Jen is not hot, Latin, or homosexual, although those black rings around her eyes make her look straight out of Birdcage. Maybe that's the Miami influence.

5) Erica's actually pretty cool. She's an obvious plant (or a brilliant casting choice), and did anyone notice that her hair and overall presentation looked much better than it did before she was on the show?

So, who stays for the Fantasy Dates?
-Sadie
-Lisa
-Jen

Next week is, unfortunately, when the language barrier catches up with Agnese. Our Prince of Pet Cosmetics isn't smart enough to make a multilingual romance work. She's got the cerebral heft to learn English for him, but his Italian will never progress beyond "Leave the Gun; Take the Cannoli" and dick-and-fart slang.