The Bachelor - Episode 3

Morning has broken. The 12 troops remaining receive a rather loud and leathernecked awakening in the form of a drill sargeant (or someone paid to pretend to be one, more likely) barking at them to get their makeupless, slovenly posteriors down the steps and onto the grounds for a morning of P.T.

That's physical training, but I'm sure you already knew that.

Nicole's predictably late. Never bet on Tequila Cake being early for any kind of morning workout that doesn't involve exercising her arms with a few 1-pint weights.

DO YOU WANT THIS ROSE OR NOT, barks the Starving Actor Pretending To Be A Drill Sargeant. DO YOU, DO YOU PUNK?! He leads the troops in a military cadence, at which I was hoping with the hope of a simple fool that one of the lovely ladies would have the wit (read: balls) to start a chorus of "I don't know what I've been told! Alaskan pussy is mighty cold", or some line alluding to Full Metal Jacket.

While Shut-Up Kate has the mouth to spout obscenity on national TV, she probably lacks the wit to make references to any piece of cinema not starring Matthew McConaghauey or Hillary Duff. Plus, given that Bachelorette Application Questionnaire question #121 reads: "Have You Ever Watched Any Movie By Stanley Kubrick" (and that all respondees checking the "yes" box will have their applications immediately tossed in the shredder), I wasn't expecting miracles.

Starving Actor Pretending To Be Drill Sargeant huffs at Bevin: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Bevin replies, in character, TO GET A ROSE, SIR! Damn, she's taking this a bit too far, high-stepping higher than everyone else.

WHY DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD GET A ROSE?

BECAUSE I'M THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE, SIR.

Oh, noesers. Do any of you remember that astronaut who donned a pair of Depends and drove cross country to confront her caddish boyfriend's lover? This is who Bevin reminds me of here. Take note that 3 seconds later, she's on the ground, emitting a banshee-like howl. Ambulance has been called, and Our Resident Psycho has beasted herself so hard on the obstacle course that she has done something nondescriptly painful to her ankle.

NOTE TO BEVIN. This is not the Olympics. This is not war. This is not even real boot camp. You're not competing for Squad Leader here. You're competing for a solitary goddamn rose, and there are 8 more where that one came from.

Secretly I hope that she did it for the painkillers.

Moments later, Dr. McBlandy arrives on the scene, and predictably mentions for the 193420895th time that He Is A Doctor (to the ambulance personnel, no less). Somehow I get the impression that he can repeat those four words over and over again and Bevin will still be enraptured by the sound of them.

Bachelor Drinking Game Rule #1: Every time Andy mentions his status as a doctor, take a drink, preferably out of one of those test-tube types of things sold at bars with sticky floors, strobe lights, Def Leppard on the jukebox, and a lax carding policy.

Fast-forward to the first group date. It's at a spa, predictably enough, and the girls are happy as pigs in shit because they get to roll around in a vat of shit (OK, mud) with a half-naked robot doctor.

Non-Slutty Stephanie gets the coveted one-on-one time. Slutty Stephanie rolls her eyes. Non-Slutty Stephanie starts administering a massage to Dr. McBlandy. The Bachelor Intern edits the happy ending to suit ABC's family-friendly tastes.

Bachelor Drinking Game Rule #2. Every time Slutty Stephanie mentions how *she* should get the one-on-one time over some other girl, take a drink. Make sure it's one with a suggestively sounding name, like Red-Headed Slut, Blow Job, or (even better) Pussy Juice.

Fast forward to the next group date, at a racetrack, involving (duh) driving fast cars. The producers instructed Andy to conjure his inner Lt. Pete Mitchell (if you need to ask who that is, kill self; thank you in advance), so he arrives wearing his Ray-Bans and bomber jacket. Basically, all you need to know is that Playmate Erin coos to Andy about her "love of driving", and then casually mentions, once they get in the car, that she can't drive a stick.

What did you expect, go-karts?

Danielle then gives Andy a lesson on her Favorite Topic In The Whole World, which is her dead boyfriend. She conveniently forgets to mention that she keeps his putrid corpse in a rocking chair in her attic (that's a Psycho reference, for the cinematically challenged).

Here's a thought. Maybe the producers are giving you the Dead Boyfriend card, like they gave Sadie the Virgin Card last time 'round the merry-go-round. Methinks you'll make the Final 2 and lose.

Bachelor Drinking Game Rule #3: Every time Danielle mentions her Dead Boyfriend, take a SHOT.

Then, comes the Moment We Have All Been Waiting For. The dreaded group date. It's Tessa versus Peyton. The half-Asian social worker from San Francisco versus the blonde sorority recruiter (people have that job out of college?!) from somewhere nondescript in the South. At this part, I get bored and make myself dinner.

Andy picks Tessa, but we get the feeling that he was sad to let Peyton go so early on in the competition. He paws at her like a fraternity pledge while they're being helicoptered off into the starlight, while she timidly and unsuccessfully attempts to stave off his advances, a la France in, well, pretty much every war they ever fought.

It's Rose Ceremony time! Slutty Stephanie is wearing - get this - a polka-dotted dress and PEARLS. Dressing like an astronaut's wife will not make people think that you've rode a little less pole than you actually have, so this stunt doesn't fool.

Andy and Amanda make some meager small-talk. Amanda gushes as to how she has "lots of stories" to tell about her life, yet all that emanates from her flapping maw is white noise. If I close my eyes, she sounds like Elle Woods, except without the whole "smart" bit. Too bad. She was half Thai and arguably the prettiest one there. I was pulling for her.

Rose time. I forget who actually got one, but the girls sent packin' (other than Peyton) are Erin and Amanda. Shut-up Kate actually gets one, to the surprise of most everyone.

Question For The Audience:

Let's see if we can get some audience participation on this one. There's all this chatter about how there should be a bachelor of color, but what about other "minorities"? What about a British bachelor, set in London? Now that Wills, the future heir to Hair Club For Men, has chucked 25-going-on-40 Kate Middleton, that's a nice thought. It can only be outdone by The Jewish Bachelor, set in none other than New York. Imagine a herd of Long Island JAPs (or, more comedically, Staten Island JAPs) fighting and hissing and cawing over some poor mensch. D&G earrings will be used as weaponry, and everyone will be afraid to swim in the ocean.

So, Audience, if we could have any flavor of Bachelor for the next installment, what should it be?

Observations About Episode 2

1) Andy is eerily asexual. Maybe it's his Amish-country Pennsylvanian drawl with a near Ent-like slowness, or his glaring inability to speak with a vocabulary beyond that of a 5th grade, but I can't take this guy seriously. I don't even question his straightness anymore; he lacks the verbal wit to pass as homosexual.

2) What's with "Operation Soul Mate"? Andy, if you're going to use military lingo, at least be clever, and if you can't be clever, at least quote Top Gun. And if you're a naval officer who hasn't seen Top Gun, well, kill self; thank you in advance.

3) And calling yourself a "healer"? What is this, Dungeons and Dragons?

4) Andy is a crappy doctor. OK, maybe that was a low blow, but it doesn't take 6 Ironman Triathlons (an autobiographical factoid that Andy will never let us forget) to understand that Mimosas + Big Breakfast + Workouts = Having To Take A Sizeable, Hairy Dump.

5) The Saddle Ranch, Andy? I know you want to giggle while you see their breastitties jiggle on the mechanical bull, but you are a Navy Officer and an M.D. These girls will be more than happy to jiggle the titties for you without help from a piece of machinery. Plus, no one goes to the Saddle Ranch anymore except for midwestern tourists and underage sorority pledges.

6) Andy's Trapped in Cliche World. “I really dig a woman who can really be a tomboy and get down and dirty, but then, can put on a dress and…..” Yes, invoking Character Type 17B, The Tomboy Who Cleans Up Nice. You're almost as bad as the girls who describe themselves on their Match.com profiles as "being able to kick back in jeans with a few beers, but feel just as comfortable in an evening gown".

7) Onto The Girls.

-Stephanie T. is obviously The Girl We're All Supposed To Hate, but not even she inspires much vitriolic fury. She commited Crime Against Originality #3294 with her Titanic re-enactment, and First Date Gaffe #832098 when she asked Andy what kind of wedding he envisions himself having, but she seems to be a rather tame villain.

-What's with the sun damage? Most of these girls look older than they claim to be.

-Kudos to Susan and Erin. Andy wanted you to do something you felt uncomfortable with, and you denied him. If you denied him the opportunity to see you with your hair wet, he probably figured you'd deny him the opportunity to let him get his dick wet. Susan did remind me of a cross between a Stepford Wife-Robot (with that twitch) and the manicurist from Legally Blonde, though, and the two of them could have earned a place in Permanent Bachelor Lore for some girl-on-girl.

-I like Tessa. Some of you may think she's a freak with a fat face, but disclosing her feelings for Andy as well as a reluctance to "play the game" of the show exposed some refreshing vulnerability. Methinks she's getting the winners' edit - anyone who breaks down in tears but isn't portrayed as a freak by the producers is being edited too favorably to get no-rosed before the final 3.

-In Defense of Tiffany. If I had to sit through uncomfortable questions like "Have you ever dated a doctor", I'd lean my head away too if I suspected he was going in for the kiss.

-None of the Rejected seemed too torn up over the diss. Alexis seems glad to be going home and back in the services of a more apt pilot (i.e., God), and we all knew Tiffany's I-thought-we-had-a-connection speech was read off of cue cards held by The Bachelor Intern.

-Tina needs a self-esteem enema.

Conclusion: Each episode of this show is like a turkey sandwich. Flavorless, at times pleasing, but at the end, you struggle to finish it and wish you got some maki rolls and udon instead. None of the girls are hateworthy, but there are no favorites, either. There are no annoyingly bland Jen Sheffts, or tragically dumb twits like Jen from Lorenzo's season. We lack vivacious Tina Fabs or Desirees, or quirky and deep Moanas. Absent are icy sorority queens like Kirsten, obvious producer flame like LeeAnn or Erica Rose, or cocktease virgins like Sadie. Without anyone to legitimately tear apart, can this season survive?

In The Navy!

Cue The Village People, call the fire department. Sorry, this guy's too much of a prettyboy to exude heterosexuality, in my opinion. Couple that with all his saccharine and insipid talk about "finding love" and you've got the Bravo channel licking their chops to get first dibs on the reruns.

But enough about the Seaman in White. Onto his 25 troops (26, if you count Chris Harrison).

The standouts:

Alexis: A Monica Lewinsky look-alike attorney with no discernible personality. Status: Rose.

Nicole: "We have no eggs. How 'bout some tequila?" Status: Rose.

Amanda: I like her. She's half Asian (or at least looks like it), is a financial analyst (bonus points), has climbed the Great Wall and manages to be from Dallas without speaking like she just shot J.R. Status: Rose.

Linda: Another attorney, resembling Jennifer Wilbanks (of "runaway bride" infamy). Note to Linda - Men who are of the type to go on this show WILL NOT think it's a turn-on if a girl matches them push-up for push-up. He dumped Lokelani McMichael (an elite triathlete and model whom ESPN labels as one of the hottest female athletes) for a vapid Bachelor whore. Do you think he's looking for an equal? Negative. Status: No rose.

Helpful Hint to Future Contestants: If you're going to display a talent, make sure it's something girly and sexually suggestive, like doing the WORM in a napkin-sized evening gown, or doing backflips that strategically juggle your newly-purchased silicone accessories. Abandon all feminist impulses, all ye who enter here.

Lindsay: Angry black chick. Status: No rose.

Helpful Hint to Future Contestants: You're on The Bachelor, not Flavor of Love.

Stephanie T: Illustration of the curse of the first impression rose. All women upon whom this honor is bestowed shall be transmogrified into insufferable, clingy, emotionally unstable harpies. No trends will be bucked here. Status: First Impression Rose.

Blakeney: Who on God's green earth names their daughter Blakeney? "Suthun" folk who don't dress for their body type and can't hold their liquor. Status: No rose.

Helpful hint for future contestants: Hold your liquor.

Tessa: I'd like to think that she had to tell a clean, stupid joke because ABC wouldn't let her tell the joke she had in mind (involving the Royal Family, an octopus, and incorrect use of the N-word) but I highly doubt that. Status: Rose.

Tina: "I'm not the prettiest girl here...". Your attempt to fish for compliments would look much less disingenuous if it was not proceeded by The Star-Spangled Banner. Status: Rose.

Note To Future Contestants: Singing to your Bachelor will result in your immediate expulsion from the show. This schtick has been played out twice and is no longer tolerated. Thank you in advance.

Erin: If this gig doesn't work out, let's just say that she'll always have a spot on Hef's show. Status: Rose.

Kate: Emerges from The Limo wearing a dress too short for even the likes of Chelsy Davy (Prince Harry's "girlfriend", whose mores and fashions make Paris Hilton look like Grace Kelly). Does THE WORM in said dress. Status: Rose.

Tiffany W: Arguably the most normal of the bunch. I don't know if I like her, but I think she'll go quite far. Status: Rose.

Amber: From Sugar Land, TX, and (without fail), makes a joke (that we've all heard ten million times before) referring to her resultant "sweetness". However, in The Bachelor World, vapid unoriginality is routinely rewarded, so she loses no points with our Naval Seaman. Status: Rose.

Predictions:

-The Ambulance is just for show. Someone likely hurt themselves during boot camp and will get a sympathy rose as a result, most likely Bevin, given her penchant for pain.

-The cryer will be Tequila Cake Nicole, who will get Das Boot in round 2.

-Stephanie will be among the Final 4. Mentioning that she wants to get "rose after rose until she gets the ring" ensures that she'll be around for rose after rose until The Producers get their fill of her antics and tell Andy to give her the DING.

-No women in law, medicine or finance will make the final 2. This is An Officer and a Gentleman, not Adam's Rib, or even Top Gun. Andy wants a traditional Southern wife.

-This is not the last we've seen of Lindsay.