In The Navy!

Cue The Village People, call the fire department. Sorry, this guy's too much of a prettyboy to exude heterosexuality, in my opinion. Couple that with all his saccharine and insipid talk about "finding love" and you've got the Bravo channel licking their chops to get first dibs on the reruns.

But enough about the Seaman in White. Onto his 25 troops (26, if you count Chris Harrison).

The standouts:

Alexis: A Monica Lewinsky look-alike attorney with no discernible personality. Status: Rose.

Nicole: "We have no eggs. How 'bout some tequila?" Status: Rose.

Amanda: I like her. She's half Asian (or at least looks like it), is a financial analyst (bonus points), has climbed the Great Wall and manages to be from Dallas without speaking like she just shot J.R. Status: Rose.

Linda: Another attorney, resembling Jennifer Wilbanks (of "runaway bride" infamy). Note to Linda - Men who are of the type to go on this show WILL NOT think it's a turn-on if a girl matches them push-up for push-up. He dumped Lokelani McMichael (an elite triathlete and model whom ESPN labels as one of the hottest female athletes) for a vapid Bachelor whore. Do you think he's looking for an equal? Negative. Status: No rose.

Helpful Hint to Future Contestants: If you're going to display a talent, make sure it's something girly and sexually suggestive, like doing the WORM in a napkin-sized evening gown, or doing backflips that strategically juggle your newly-purchased silicone accessories. Abandon all feminist impulses, all ye who enter here.

Lindsay: Angry black chick. Status: No rose.

Helpful Hint to Future Contestants: You're on The Bachelor, not Flavor of Love.

Stephanie T: Illustration of the curse of the first impression rose. All women upon whom this honor is bestowed shall be transmogrified into insufferable, clingy, emotionally unstable harpies. No trends will be bucked here. Status: First Impression Rose.

Blakeney: Who on God's green earth names their daughter Blakeney? "Suthun" folk who don't dress for their body type and can't hold their liquor. Status: No rose.

Helpful hint for future contestants: Hold your liquor.

Tessa: I'd like to think that she had to tell a clean, stupid joke because ABC wouldn't let her tell the joke she had in mind (involving the Royal Family, an octopus, and incorrect use of the N-word) but I highly doubt that. Status: Rose.

Tina: "I'm not the prettiest girl here...". Your attempt to fish for compliments would look much less disingenuous if it was not proceeded by The Star-Spangled Banner. Status: Rose.

Note To Future Contestants: Singing to your Bachelor will result in your immediate expulsion from the show. This schtick has been played out twice and is no longer tolerated. Thank you in advance.

Erin: If this gig doesn't work out, let's just say that she'll always have a spot on Hef's show. Status: Rose.

Kate: Emerges from The Limo wearing a dress too short for even the likes of Chelsy Davy (Prince Harry's "girlfriend", whose mores and fashions make Paris Hilton look like Grace Kelly). Does THE WORM in said dress. Status: Rose.

Tiffany W: Arguably the most normal of the bunch. I don't know if I like her, but I think she'll go quite far. Status: Rose.

Amber: From Sugar Land, TX, and (without fail), makes a joke (that we've all heard ten million times before) referring to her resultant "sweetness". However, in The Bachelor World, vapid unoriginality is routinely rewarded, so she loses no points with our Naval Seaman. Status: Rose.

Predictions:

-The Ambulance is just for show. Someone likely hurt themselves during boot camp and will get a sympathy rose as a result, most likely Bevin, given her penchant for pain.

-The cryer will be Tequila Cake Nicole, who will get Das Boot in round 2.

-Stephanie will be among the Final 4. Mentioning that she wants to get "rose after rose until she gets the ring" ensures that she'll be around for rose after rose until The Producers get their fill of her antics and tell Andy to give her the DING.

-No women in law, medicine or finance will make the final 2. This is An Officer and a Gentleman, not Adam's Rib, or even Top Gun. Andy wants a traditional Southern wife.

-This is not the last we've seen of Lindsay.