Biological Weapons of Mass Destruction Found In NYC

NEW YORK CITY, 12/19/06---DEFENSE DEPARTMENT OFFICIALS confirmed today that biological weapons potentially capable of mass destruction have been located in New York City. Several Category A and B biological agents with a high potential for a negative public health impact have been located in the Midtown neighborhood in New York City. During a routine gynecological exam of the beleagured Miss USA, Tara Conner, doctors found several potentially deadly human biological pathogens. Dr. Pradeep Gupta noted, "We were simply conducting a routine checkup before committing the patient to her rehabilitation center, when the tests all confirmed that the flora and fauna of her vagina contain potentially uncontrollable viruses, bacteria and other germs. As a result, we are unfortunately forced to confine the patient to solitary quarters in her rehabilitation center to guard against a potential pandemic."

Owners of nightclubs on 10th Street, as well as Ms. Conner's former roommate Miss Teen USA Katie Blair, with whom Ms. Conner has allegedly performed sexual activity with, have been asked to submit to physical checkups to determine if they have been victims of "unintentional bioterrorism" by the Miss USA crownholder. We can only pray for their continued good health and safety, and ask them to refrain from contact with other members of the New York community until they have been declared clear of all biological toxins.

Despite the high levels of contagion and toxicity that such biologicals may pose to the city, the New York attorney-general's office has decided not to press charges of treason against Ms. Conner for bringing this acute security threat to the denizens of New York City, since her spread of the biological toxins throughout the city seems to be unintentional, and unrelated to any desire to inflict biological warfare upon the citizens of the five boroughs. Donald Trump, the co-owner of the Miss USA pageant and the Miss Universe Organization, has expressed his deepest gratitude that Ms. Conner will not be prosecuted for her actions against the citizens of this city and state, and will instead be given a chance to rehabilitate herself. "I have always been a believer in second chances", he stated, in a teary press conference with the disgraced beauty queen.