The Bachelor Finale - A Douche Decides

Who will L'zo pick? The Constant Virgin or the Imbecile?

9:05: Flashback time. A few snippets of conversation from the final 2 horses in the race:

Sadie: "I'm an innocent, good girl who is saving herself for marriage and I don't feel comfortable sharing something like that right away."

Jen: "I definitely was a Daddy's little girl."

9:10: We meet the Borgheses. ABC refers to his mother as a "Princess". Jen in the limo can't get over the fact that her in-laws might end up being a "Prince" and a "Princess". You simpleton. For the last time, they are NOT royalty. To her credit, she actually gets the eye makeup right and manages NOT to look like a cheap transvestite.

9:15: Jen says: "I think Lorenzo is amazing and I really care about him and I could see myself with him long-term. He has the qualities that I look for and we have a, a spark, you know." Profundity to rival that of Keats.

9:21: The Bachelor Intern prods Princess Borghese to read Jen's palm. She predicts that Jen will meet her first husband in a Wal-Mart, her second husband at the Daytona 500 and her third husband off Eharmony.com. She will have at least 3 children, one illegitimate. She will move with her second husband to Newark and they will live in a duplex.

9:26: Sadie arrives. She looks like Kirsten Dunst with those bangs and that adorable snaggletooth. And you have to love that houndstooth print dress. Style points for Sadie.

9:30: Momma Borghese reads Sadie's palm. She predicts Sadie will get married twice but sleep with 5 people before she dies. Her first husband will be a doctor from Newport Beach who will divorce her for a girl 15 years younger after she bears him twins and gains 20 pounds. Her second husband will be 10 years younger than her and black, and they will live out their days operating a scuba shop in Roatan, very much in love.

9:40: The Producers put the bug in Momma B's ear to invite both Jen's and Sadie's parents over for brunch at the same time, so hilarity can ensue (why does hilarity always "ensue"? Why can't it "befall" or "arise" or "commence"?).

9:42: Jen's dad states a desire to pray "to the Pope" in hopes that he won't make a complete fool out of himself. As Checkov said, if there's a gun on the wall in Act 1, it should go off by Act 3. Thus, we should expect this season's Supporter of Second Amendment Rights to act like a dumb ox at least once before the Brunch Charade ends.

9:50: The moonshine finally kicks in. Jen's coach, err, dad finally puts Foot in Mouth when he declares that Sadie will "finish second", but at least should be happy about "medaling".

10:05: Jen toasts with her mother to the possibility of her being a princess. For the love of the good ol' US and A, someone please shut this dolt up. The gullibility and provinciality of the Jens of the world epitomize everything wrong with America as we are perceived by The Rest Of The World. The Borgheses were never part of Italian monarchy. Haven't these people ever heard of Google? However, it's arguably ABC's fault. This isn't college football here. The media can't crown a prince like it can crown a national champion. Still, I can't pass up an opportunity to insult Jen's mental acumen.

The final dates: Jen goes horseback riding, Sadie sails. Sadie gives Lorenzo a booklet detailing everything she thought she deserved in a man, whereas Jen engaged in the mistake of TMI by running her mouth about how much she believes she is falling in love with him.

Sadie gets out of the limo first, which means Jen wins. She's wearing a suspiciously bridal Grecian-inspired gown that accentuates her silicone-enhanced cleavage. He does dump her, and Sadie tries her best to be "mature and gracious", which means she's fighting every instinct to clock him, as she should. She mutters that she feels foolish because she thought It was Real. Girlfriend, we all think It's Real at one point or another, and then we get dumped for, well, a blonde teacher.


We expose our spunk and our quirks, whether it's our virginity or our affinity to bad sci-fi or adventure racing or French cinema or falconry or WWII trivia. We share those odd bits about ourselves in hopes that The Guy will notice our uniqueness (or madness) and love us all in spite of, no, BECAUSE of all our oddities.

But, He ultimately won't. He'll meet a nice, pretty blonde teacher from a small town with a giggly laugh and wide eyes, fall in love with her, and break our hearts.

Epilogue: L'zo gives Jen the Daddy's-Girl-Turned-Princess the diamond, but doesn't propose (which probably silently crushes her). She's bubbling all over like a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon that's been disturbed too much before opening. Finally, you're a princess, just like your Daddy always told you that you were. Just keep telling yourself that, and you'll live happily ever after. Ignorance may lead to bliss after all.

Q for the Audience: How long do you think it will take Jen to grasp the concept of the Grid System?