The Fantasy Dates

Jen: Stockholm. During the day, they go to an amusement park where Jen wins a fat, fluffy red thing, probably at the producers' urging. This inane trollop's pet word seems to be "You know". She is utterly incapable of profound thought, even though she claims to be trying to open up to him, and even though L'zo claims she is opening up to him more than he ever thought she would.

The sad thing is that I have a sneaking suspicion that Jen is probably what most men want to marry. Has career goals, but is in a "nurturing" profession. Blonde. Doesn't pepper her speech with SAT vocab words that she actually knows the meanings of. No detectable competitive streak (which will be Sadie's downfall). Former cheerleader. Probably thinks Stockholm is somewhere in the U.K. Somewhere, out in the ether, the Man I Am Still Reluctantly In Love With has probably met a girl like Jen and is rapidly falling in love.

Lisa: Budapest. L'zo expresses hesitance as to whether he'll even give her the fantasy suite card, but he eventually caves. He confronts her on her Bachelor obsession, asking her why she chose to apply for the show when she thought Travis Stork was a tool and could have easily thought the same about him.

Hello. This isn't Flavor of Love. It's The Bachelor. Everyone has seen this show before and probably has opinions of Bachelors of old. With the exception of Agnese, it's fair to say that every woman who agreed to be on The Bachelor is a tad obsessed with The Bachelor, so why single Lisa out? And Stork was a tool.

L'zo then quizzes her about her past relationship history. Apparently, 3 weeks after she broke up with a guy she loved she applied for the Bachelor. Lisa tries to cover her ass by saying she applied on a whim and never imagined she'd get this far, but somehow manages to only convince the Prince (and the audience) that she's been used and discarded by a filthy amount of men.

Sadie - Sicily: The first words out of her mouth are about her virginity and that goddamn fantasy suite card. With no never-mind to the fact that accepting The Card does not mean accepting his cock.

L'zo surprises Sadie with scuba diving, to which she responds, "Oh, fun!" with sorority-rush effervescence. However, the big L doubts whether Sadie and him would have "chemistry behind closed doors", which, translated, probably means he's wondering if he'll have to spend the night with a bottle of Jergens and warm champagne.

Every time Sadie mentions the fantasy card, take a drink. She proclaims that she wants him to see her as a "classy, conservative woman", but by raising the issue ad nauseum, she comes across as an unfinished child. But in the end, she decides to "take the risk." Sadie, dahling, attempting to climb K2 is a risk. Biking across Afghanistan is a risk. Walking around Detroit without a piece is a risk. Slipping in your red T-shirt when you're washing your whites is a risk. Blathering endlessly about your virginity on national television is a risk.

"Move over Jen and Lisa, he's MINE". The virgin's got some spice.

Rose Ceremony: The Prince gives his obligatory speech about how sorry he is that he has to break someone's heart, but we know he's really not. There are 2 roses left. There are 3 potential recipients (4, counting Chris). He then attempts to convince them (or the audience) that he's not the kind of guy who dates 3 women at a time. Shit, you live in New York City and you're a relatively successful businessman. If you're dating 3 women at a time, that's a bad week.

Roses to: Sadie and Jen. Duh. I should have watched Heroes instead.

After the Rose Ceremony, Lorenzo then calls Lisa out because she mentioned she applied to the Bachelor to "have fun". And that worried him. OK, Lorenzo, I'm not saying you ditched the wrong bitch, but if you think any girl is going to apply to this show to seriously find love, BEFORE she even knows who the Bachelor is going to be, you're an idiot. Crap, I'd even apply For Fun. Free trip abroad, a ready-made group of companions, enough gallons of alcohol to fill an Olympic swimming pool. And you can't get a free pair of sapphire earrings on REI Adventures.

Lisa should have walloped him for that one.