Things That Should Never Have To Be Endured While Sober

1) Weddings. An acquaintance of mine wanted to save money on her wedding reception by making the wedding "dry". No cash bar. No BYOB. Just dry. She flippantly quipped, "looks like my guests are just going to learn how to have sober fun!" If you want to save money at your wedding, have a DJ instead of a band. Have a buffet instead of a sit-down meal. Shit, serve McDonalds. Just don't skimp on the booze. It's a wedding, for Christ's sake. Most people can barely get through wedding ceremonies without sneaking a few gulps of Cutty Sark from under their tuxes, especially if they're the grooms, and know their bride-to-be will be walking down the aisle without having signed a pre-nup.

2) Airplane rides. Duh.

3) Clothes Shopping. Especially for yourself. There's an exception if you are shopping for a specific item, such as a formal gown or a pair of grey dress pumps or chandelier earrings. But shopping, as a recreational activity, is ghastly boring when sober. Meandering through Barney's looking at all the clothes you can't afford isn't fun. What you do is have a few glasses of Reisling before you enter, and, like magic, the pricetags won't bother you as much!

4) Family Gatherings. Duh.

5) Pregnancy. The idea of abstaining from alcohol and sushi for 9 months while watching my body get increasingly floppier and cheat-on-me-worthy seems like a horrid ordeal, especially since my diet consists primarily of Hendrick's gin and Ushi Wakamaru's fatty tuna rolls. Fortunately, there's a solution, and it's called surrogacy.

6) Cricket Matches. The rules are almost unintelligible to non-experts. Matches (or "Tests") last for 5 days, often ending in a draw. I can't think of a reason for this sport's existence other than as a cleverly-veiled excuse to drink for 48 hours straight. Come to think of it, seeing as how it gives ome a reason to drink for 48 hours straight, why isn't it more popular?

7) Watching Colt McCoy Throw The Ball. Losing to K-State and A&M and sending Texas to the Alamo bowl must be hard to stomach after Winning It All last year.

8) Watching John David Booty Throw The Ball. If Carroll had the good sense to put Mark Sanchez in the game, my Trojans would be going to a respectable bowl this year. At least I brought some honor and glory back to USC when I started hooking up with this UCLA sorority-type's boyfriend after the game. He was drunk, and I was desirous of doing something hurtful to a Bruin that wouldn't result in jail time (since we're USC and not Miami, our chosen unsportsmanlike conduct is more subtle than fisticuffs). She stepped into the bathroom to care for an intoxicated friend and when she returned an hour later -- blonde hair, french manicure, Tiffany's necklace and all -- the boyfriend had his arm around my waist and his tongue down my throat. Yes, there's back story there, but it's still one of the greater achievements of my life.

9) Church. Nothing like a bit of the communion wine to bring one closer to God. No, wait, that's mescaline. Oh, well, same result.

10) Certain dates. I took the Relationship Guy to sushi on Thursday. When the edamame came, he started eating it, soybean pods and all, and ordered the New York Strip (note that he also ordered steak at a tapas place, a Moroccan place, and a brunch place prior to this date). I could comprehend such provinciality if he lived his whole life in a realm of the universe where beef is king and people don't eat much sushi or vegetables, such as, like, Iowa. But he's from Westchester, went to a tony private university, works at a large investment bank downtown, and has lived in New York since the Post-Cold War Era (read: pre-9/11). At least he ordered the Kirin and passed on the Bud Light.