Bachelor Update

Apologies to all for missing last week's epi. I had work to do.

As for this week, let's jump right in!

The curtain lifts on a scene showing six girls gawking at a yacht. Stephanie "Kansas" believes that aliens will emerge from the unfamiliar vessel, but what else do you expect from someone who lives in a landlocked state in the middle of the country. Andy arrives to shepherd his flock onto the boat.

Cue In the Navy, replace the 6 girls from Nowhere, USA with 6 men from Chelsea, Dupont Circle, Montrose Ave., and West L.A. and, with this Bachelor, you might actually yield a relationship that lasts beyond The Final Rose, or at least a show with less vapid dialog.

While lolling about on the yacht, Amber divulges her prole roots in asking if it's a Chris Craft. The conversation is so wooden and trite that I figure this is the perfect time to unload that deuce that's been knocking on my back door for the past half an hour. Then, the bomb drops. TINA PICKS ANDY'S TEETH.

Oh, no, you didn't, you fishfaced bitch. You did not just coo, "You have something in your teeth" and extract it YOURSELF with your grimy, salty, unpolished fingernail AND WIPE IT ON YOUR CLOTHES. This wholly reminded me of a scene from a Married with Children episode where Al Bundy is eating pizza with an old flame, played by Heather Locklear. Bundy manages to get a gop of cheese on his upper lip, which Locklear picks off and devours, rather sexually.

The Bachelor Intern captured some obligatory shot of a nondescript sea animal leaping out of the water.

And then I went to take a shit.

Bevin pulls some crafty maneouver where she yips "Those kayaks have been calling my name!" Andy, like a Pavlovian dog to the bell, salivated at the prospect of Something Sporty (like all good Midwestern 30somethings with the requisite 5th grade vocabulary). The other girls roll their eyes and, at the urging of the Bachelor Intern, feign jealousy. In actuality, they were debating the U.S.'s desired course of action vis-a-vis the genocide in Darfur, but that doesn't make for as good television, now, does it?

The first one-on-one date goes to Steph Kansas. Why on God's green earth do they still call her Stephanie Kansas? Stephanie S.C. went the way of Barbaro last week, hence there is only ONE Stephanie (2-1 = 1) remaining on the program.

MAKING YOUR OWN WINE AND DRINKING IT, and then PAINTING your own LABEL must be the most superfabulexcellent date idea ever. Beakers and test tubes abound in the wine room, and you half expect those lab room characters from the Muppets to pop up at any time. Wouldn't that be a gas! But they didn't.

The label they painted looked like the below:

Andy then asks Stephanie what her "hopes and dreams" are. If this were scripted and not reality TV, the screenwriter would have been disemboweled with a katana, or at least been forced to watch A Cinderella Story (starring none other than Hillary Duff) over, and over, and over again.

Stephanie intuits that things such as "Hopes" and "Dreams" are good to have, like a Buy-10-Get-One-Free Starbucks card, or yearly flu shots. But it's clear that she has no idea what hers are. Vacuous whore.


Back at the house, Bevin (28) cattily remarks to Amber, "I have no idea what Andy would want with me, as well with as a 23-year-old." Amber, being 23, retorts, "I raised my 14 brothers and sisters back on our Texas farm and had to drive them to school. Uphill. Both ways. In a Mazda! Do you know how hard it was to drive those kids around in a Japanese car in Texas? I'm the mostest maturest of all the 23-year-olds you'll ever meet."

Amber, honey, if it's any consolation, you at least look a hell of a lot older than 23.

The next group date consists of painting a playground. While painting flowers (open-faced roses, no less, for the subtlety), Danielle comments to Andy how important about how it is to "live each day to the fullest". Somehow, miraculously, she does NOT mention her dead boyfriend.

A horde of screaming, germ-infested children comes barrelling out of the gates and onto the newly-painted playground, which I hope has had time to dry. I remark to my friends (who are watching with me) how easy it is to enjoy children when you receive them in 45-minute doses, once every few months.

Tessa gets the Cinderella date, which includes $2M worth of borrowed rocks and a trip to Nicole Miller. Tessa acts like she's never been in a Nicole Miller in her life. I really shouldn't talk, because the last time I was in Nicole Miller it was for their ending-their-lease-and-moving-from-Soho-to-Madison-Avenue super duper sale, where I scored a fresh and fierce black bondage-type shirt for $60 (original price, $400). Due to the general repugnancy of Madison Avenue (and shopping above 14th St. in general), I have not since returned.

After the date, we are privy to The Best Editing In The History Of The Show. Bevin and Amber have snuck into the Deliberation Chamber and are making snide comments about the girls' photographs. Voiceover of Bevin: "I really, really don't know how to tell Andy about my sex reassignment surgery. I have no idea how he'll react when he finds out that I've been a man before." Or something like that.

Tessa, Amber, Bevin and Danielle get a rose.