Observations About Episode 2

1) Andy is eerily asexual. Maybe it's his Amish-country Pennsylvanian drawl with a near Ent-like slowness, or his glaring inability to speak with a vocabulary beyond that of a 5th grade, but I can't take this guy seriously. I don't even question his straightness anymore; he lacks the verbal wit to pass as homosexual.

2) What's with "Operation Soul Mate"? Andy, if you're going to use military lingo, at least be clever, and if you can't be clever, at least quote Top Gun. And if you're a naval officer who hasn't seen Top Gun, well, kill self; thank you in advance.

3) And calling yourself a "healer"? What is this, Dungeons and Dragons?

4) Andy is a crappy doctor. OK, maybe that was a low blow, but it doesn't take 6 Ironman Triathlons (an autobiographical factoid that Andy will never let us forget) to understand that Mimosas + Big Breakfast + Workouts = Having To Take A Sizeable, Hairy Dump.

5) The Saddle Ranch, Andy? I know you want to giggle while you see their breastitties jiggle on the mechanical bull, but you are a Navy Officer and an M.D. These girls will be more than happy to jiggle the titties for you without help from a piece of machinery. Plus, no one goes to the Saddle Ranch anymore except for midwestern tourists and underage sorority pledges.

6) Andy's Trapped in Cliche World. “I really dig a woman who can really be a tomboy and get down and dirty, but then, can put on a dress and…..” Yes, invoking Character Type 17B, The Tomboy Who Cleans Up Nice. You're almost as bad as the girls who describe themselves on their Match.com profiles as "being able to kick back in jeans with a few beers, but feel just as comfortable in an evening gown".

7) Onto The Girls.

-Stephanie T. is obviously The Girl We're All Supposed To Hate, but not even she inspires much vitriolic fury. She commited Crime Against Originality #3294 with her Titanic re-enactment, and First Date Gaffe #832098 when she asked Andy what kind of wedding he envisions himself having, but she seems to be a rather tame villain.

-What's with the sun damage? Most of these girls look older than they claim to be.

-Kudos to Susan and Erin. Andy wanted you to do something you felt uncomfortable with, and you denied him. If you denied him the opportunity to see you with your hair wet, he probably figured you'd deny him the opportunity to let him get his dick wet. Susan did remind me of a cross between a Stepford Wife-Robot (with that twitch) and the manicurist from Legally Blonde, though, and the two of them could have earned a place in Permanent Bachelor Lore for some girl-on-girl.

-I like Tessa. Some of you may think she's a freak with a fat face, but disclosing her feelings for Andy as well as a reluctance to "play the game" of the show exposed some refreshing vulnerability. Methinks she's getting the winners' edit - anyone who breaks down in tears but isn't portrayed as a freak by the producers is being edited too favorably to get no-rosed before the final 3.

-In Defense of Tiffany. If I had to sit through uncomfortable questions like "Have you ever dated a doctor", I'd lean my head away too if I suspected he was going in for the kiss.

-None of the Rejected seemed too torn up over the diss. Alexis seems glad to be going home and back in the services of a more apt pilot (i.e., God), and we all knew Tiffany's I-thought-we-had-a-connection speech was read off of cue cards held by The Bachelor Intern.

-Tina needs a self-esteem enema.

Conclusion: Each episode of this show is like a turkey sandwich. Flavorless, at times pleasing, but at the end, you struggle to finish it and wish you got some maki rolls and udon instead. None of the girls are hateworthy, but there are no favorites, either. There are no annoyingly bland Jen Sheffts, or tragically dumb twits like Jen from Lorenzo's season. We lack vivacious Tina Fabs or Desirees, or quirky and deep Moanas. Absent are icy sorority queens like Kirsten, obvious producer flame like LeeAnn or Erica Rose, or cocktease virgins like Sadie. Without anyone to legitimately tear apart, can this season survive?